I'm Public Enemy Number 1; Ron DeSantis is just Kelvin Gemstone

Once you see it, you can't unsee it.

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Treat yourself on this 4th of July holiday to the most unintentionally funny political ad in the history of political ads — in which the Ron DeSantis campaign team unleashes the swole homoeroticism, tinged with psychosis, raging beneath Ron DeSantis’ schlubby suits like a roided-up, oily Kraken.

I can’t embed the video for some reason. But here’s the link and the opening frame.

The premise is that Trump loves LGBTQ people too much — and it takes a not-gay-at-all manly dude like Ron DeSantis to truly hate the LGBTQs and reclaim sweaty and bulbous male bodies, Brad Pitt’s Achilles helmet, and techno club music for all the single straight bros. (This is very similar to Lakeland Christian School’s position on Lakeland Mayor Bill Mutz, by the way.)

Seriously. Here are some actual screen grabs from the DeSantis ad. Really, this not a goof. These images are in the ad. And you gotta listen to the music.

That last one is quite telling, too.

I believe DeSantis 1000% when he fantasizes about/identifies with Christian Bale’s serial killer in American Psycho. It’s probably not a great idea to allow gross billionaires to give a Patrick Bateman- wannabe the nuclear codes.

DeSantis wants to be “American Psycho”; but he’ll always be Kelvin Gemstone

At the same time, DeSantis’ inner Kelvin Gemstone tends to overwhelm his American Psycho pretensions. Like I’ve said often, there’s a reason he ducks every actual fight in which his power is not absolute.

After watching the campaign ad, go watch this promo clip from Season 2 of HBO’s “The Righteous Gemstones” and just giggle. Separated at birth, I tell you.

I salute show creator Danny McBride and actor Adam Devine, who turned Season 2 of the “The Righteous Gemstones” into a piercing documentary of the 2024 Republican presidential primary that hasn’t happened yet.

The sincerest form of flattery, Christina

DeSantis’s very strange, very online, very fragile mean girl Christina Pushaw appears to be the genius behind this ad. Like a lot of the governor’s people, she has read me enough to block me on Twitter before I left it.

So I’m quite touched that she would steal my schtick.

Alas, there can only be one, Ron and Christina.

I took advantage of your people calling me “public enemy number 1” long before you found somebody to call you that.

The DeSantis campaign should do its own thing — and focus on making Ron the best Kelvin Gemstone he can be.