Our anuses and bladders should unite us, not divide us.

Polk's public school haters are attacking anuses and bladders. I say our anuses and bladders need a voice; and I will fight for them, whatever the cost. Freedom isn't free.

You would think that Polk County’s so-called County Citizens Defending Freedom (CCDF) would welcome inclusion of anuses in school curriculum.

After all, Steve Maxwell and Jimmy Nelson and Hannah Peterson and the other “leaders” of CCDF have been very supportive of anuses in the last year — particularly those anuses who tried to overturn the presidential election and who cheered on the Capitol Lynch Mob.

Back in May, the CCDF even made one of those anuses — convicted felon and coup advocate Michael Flynn — the guest of honor at some big local event/fundraiser. A fuller account of CCDF’s scandalous flirtation with Capitol Lynch Mob-supporting anuses can be found here.

Given the CCDF’s celebration of figurative anuses, I find it curious that a number of them showed up to yell at School Board members Tuesday night about biological anuses and bladders, or least clinical diagrams of them.

“Bladder,” CCDF? Ewwww.

As near as I can tell, the CCDFers thought they had some sort of gotcha when they found a 6th grade health curriculum diagram labeled “the reproductive system” that had the “anus” and “bladder” labeled. That’s it. Just identified and labeled. There was no hint of sexual content — beyond the clinical “reproductive system” label.

But that didn’t stop the CCDFers from getting their people riled up on Facebook about “questionable material.”

Excited by the words “anus” and “bladder,” a number of CCDFers berated the School Board Tuesday night — over and over and over again — about “anal sex,” which they clearly think about far more than 6th graders do.

See this dude for an example, starting about 58:30 of the board video hearing, linked here. Paraphrase: was this anatomical diagram with an “anus” and “bladder” labeled on it a secret coded nod to “homosexual behavior?”

“Bladder?” Is bladdering a thing?

I guess I’m just an old school, traditional, 26-year married, sexually-sheltered man; because I can’t figure out, mechanically, where the bladder fits into the CCDF sex fantasies. I suppose I could ask the CCDF, as curriculum experts, to explain their sexualization of the bladder to me so I could understand it. But … I really don’t wanna.

The anti-choice anus people think they own your kids’ education

So, just go ahead and label the drawing “reproductive and excretion system” and/or “the plumbing” if your mind rushes off to weird sex images when you see the words “anus” and “bladder” written down on a clinical anatomy diagram in a 6th grade curriculum packet.

But, in that case, you also might consider intensive therapy. Normal people and parents don’t suffer from that pathology.

And yes, normal parents, this handful of anus people want to control what your kids are allowed to encounter and learn in school. They want to dominate you and your child with their anal sex fantasy talking points. That’s not a joke. Not remotely.

From bladders to Beloved, they think they own your kids’ public spaces and the content they can engage in a classroom. These book-banning, sex-obsessed charlatans are the most fervent anti-choice force in education today.

How do you spell scam? W.O.K.E.

This is the part where one might say: even Ron DeSantis and Saga Stevin would be embarrassed by the anus people saying anus things.

But I don’t think that’s right.

Indeed, the very next day the anus people’s favorite governor introduced the “Stop W.O.K.E. Act,” which would empower the anus people to bounty hunt what your curious students can learn as if your kids were inside a Texas-woman’s womb. (Check out Saga’s retweets to her 43 followers.)

My take: when you’ve reached the point in your scam when you’re turning nonsense words into nonsense acronyms, your scam has peaked. I think the anus people and public education-hating WOKEcronyms pose a greater liability than strength for the very thirsty DeSantis becoming president moving ahead. We’ll see.

But Lakeland’s recent mayoral experiment does offer some evidence to support my hypothesis.

Ask Saga how all this worked out for her

Saga Stevin ran a well-funded, very public, full-on anus people campaign against a normal, decent Republican mayor.

Obsessing about George Soros and Antifa and BLM fantasies is to city government what the anus people/Stop W.O.K.E. Act fantasies are to education. Just raw, lusty, thirsty aggression.

And Saga got killed 67-33.

In fact, I have not been as encouraged about the city of Lakeland’s civic and political scene as I am today in a very long time. I see both its people and its power stakeholders making tangible moves toward meaningful civic connection and reconciliation. More on that in a later article.

In America and Lakeland, people are still drawn viscerally to their partisan political/cultural teams — like they are Seminoles and Gators. But most also seem weary of anus people fights in their daily lives. I sense a yearning for civic connection that is incompatible with the anus people agenda of raw force and intimidation and dominance and lib-owning. Again, we’ll see.

How the weariness of the normal confronts the thirstiness of the anus people is, I think, the central dynamic of American power and civic life in the coming years. Its outcomes are unpredictable.

The mask moment is gone, Steve Maxwell. You’re just the anus and bladder guy now.

Like DeSantis, the CCDF and its anus people launched themselves to “prominence” on COVID vulturing. Again, here’s some background.

And while Jimmy Nelson and Hannah Peterson seem to be the “voice” of the CCDF, this guy, Steve Maxwell, is the true force and inherited wealth behind the anus people, as I understand it. (It’s always, always, always inherited wealth with these things.) He’s welcome to correct me if that’s incorrect. Here Maxwell is at the CCDF’s big anti-mask moment, pre-Delta, last spring.

Key passage from the story:

He insisted that the mask mandate marked a divide between two Americas: one made of “real Americans” who believed in “real American values” such as those enshrined in the U.S. Constitution, and “Americans In-Name Only,” or AINOs, who remain complicit with “globalists” and “Big Tech” to “radically change” America.

Rather than play a constructive role in the most difficult civic crisis of our lifetimes (the School Board was happy to negotiate), the CCDF and its leaders successfully created a political name by exploiting the civic pain and division and uncertainty of all that COVID wrought into a stupid “culture war.” Just like DeSantis has and continues to.

Every public decision in the COVID era is hard, with life and death stakes and trade-offs in health and commerce and civic life. Deliberately weaponizing those stakes for your own personal benefit like Maxwell and Nelson and Saga and DeSantis is far more shameful, in my view, than anuses and bladders.

But the mask moment and the worst of COVID civic strife has largely passed, I think. Kids can get vaccinated, like everybody else. There are promising medicines now for selfishly suicidal anti-vaxxers that are just as “untested” as the vaccines supposedly are — but there seems to be less resistance to them for some reason. Omicron is a threat for transmission, but seems less severe and vaccine protection from harm appears strong. I’m living my life.

And there’s really not much for CCDF to scream about now except “culture war” anuses and how America must dumb down your kids’ schools with book-banning. They’ve been reduced to this, basically:

If you’re not thinking about anal sex all the time and poring over school curriculum in the hopes of finding it, you’re not a real American, you’re an AINO.

I don’t think this has quite the same culture war ring as anti-mask stuff. What do you think, Steve Maxwell?

You can have my Everybody Poops and “Blazing Saddles” when you pry them from my cold, dead hands

I don’t have much power; but I can make a public brand stick around here. I think the record shows that, anus people. Indeed, I’m the guy who watches the anuses so other people don’t have to.

That’s not always a pleasant duty; but somebody has to do it. Otherwise, where does it stop?

If the anus people take down a 6th grade anus and bladder anatomy diagram in our schools, what stops them from coming for Everybody Poops in our homes and libraries? Are you coming for fart jokes next, anus people?

Because let me tell you, that will not stand.

I’m sorry that you can’t stop thinking about anal sex in absurdly inappropriate settings. I wish I could help you with that. Because I really don’t want to fight over anuses and bladders. They should connect us. They represent perhaps the one living reality that human beings most share — the need to, well, you know.

I want peace.

But understand this, anus people: you’re not taking “Blazing Saddles” from me. These colors don’t run. I stand with Slim Pickens and Mongo. Who do you stand with?

You can be real Americans or you can be AINOs, anus people. Pick a side. I’ve chosen mine. I believe in America, in the tired, the poor, the huddled masses of anuses and bladders yearning to breathe free.